A Presbyter's Dementia

by John Tabacco

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about

The Priest is a twisted bastard interested in recording triangles on pillows with his out dated Synclavier and God knows what he and his favorite altar boy Phillup will do for a laugh. This was originally Thermoil Chapter Four but due to some sweet intervention it has become a slight existential, absurd religious documentation on a Presbyter with more than just Jesus on his mind. Appearances from Fuzzy Gray Logic's Meryl Mathews peak their way through in an actual telephone call of wafting gas proportions as well as a rare Marci Geller performance with her first group of the 90's called Point Of You. My views on ignorance and religious hypocrisy (Lock and Load My Sweet Baby Jesus) mingle with my own bizarre experiences in the Catholic church (Catholicity Hokum) along side three Christmas classics : The Gearhead Freaks' Spike Jones infested (Blame It On Christmas Day), the beautiful existential Christmas ballad, (Christmas And I Am Not Afraid) and the insane prose (and speaking voice) of Anthony Pomes on the down right horrific Christmas tale (Daniel's Sled). A few instrumentals are found here and there. One being "It Must Be A Cigar" (originally recorded on Nigey Lennon's CD Reinventing The Wheel) performed by part of the Ed Palermo Big Band at the Zappanale 13 in Bad Doberan, East Germany and a few other surprises like a big band cover of the Procol Harum classic "In The Autumn Of My Madness". This CD is for the certifiable nut that lives inside your religion.

credits

released September 28, 2014

The Proper Hacknowledgemintz:

Clam Radio Xmas Jingle 1
© 2008 by John Tabacco and Susan DeVita
Published by It Iz What It Iz Music (SESAC) / Mr. Chichooli Music (SESAC)

The Priest Wants A Hit
© 2001 by John Tabacco
Published by It Iz What It Iz Music (SESAC)

Prestonian Selected Raynay - Words © 1993 by Raynay
Music © 2001 by John Tabacco
Published by It Iz What It Iz Music (SESAC)
Exhaustive Rap : Raynay - Music
Programming : JT

Breezy
Words and Music © 1992 by John Tabacco and Marci Geller
Published by It Iz What It Iz Music (SESAC) / Paisley Saucers Music (SESAC)
Marci Geller : Lead Vocal
JT : Programming

Sawtayin' The Horse / Xmas Evening
Words and Music © 2011 by John Tabacco
Published by It Iz What It Iz Music (SESAC)
JT : Vocals, Guitar, Programming

In The Autumn Of My Madness
© 1968 by Brooker / Fisher / Reid
Music performed by The Ed Palermo Big Band - Live at The Bottom Line in NYC, 9/28/01
Arrangement © 2001 by Ed Palermo

The Priest’s Second Love
© 1991 by Chris Pati / JohnTabacco
Ovenhead : Violin - Meryl Mathews : “Oh Man...”

Don’t Be Fooled People
Music © 1992 by John Tabacco
Background Vocal Loop (Sampled From People Of The 90s) : Donna Bach Heitner and JT
Published by It Iz What It Iz Music (SESAC)

Poor Phillup, Stupid Phillup
Words and Music © 1986 by John Tabacco
Published by It Iz What It Iz Music (SESAC)

Lock And Load My Sweet Baby Jesus
Words and Music © 2007 by John Tabacco
Published by It Iz What It Iz Music (SESAC)

The Priest’s Out Of Body Alien Abduction
Dialog and Music © 2000 by John Tabacco
All programming : JT
L.Nacht : Guitar
Holly Miller : “Oh No” Vocals
Published by It Iz What It Iz Music (SESAC)

Lost In The Fun House
Words © 1999 by Ava Parness, Lorraine Ferro, Harvey
Music © 1999 by John Tabacco - All instruments : JT
Published by It Iz What It Iz Music (SESAC) / Parness Music (SESAC) / Ferro Music (SESAC)

Re-Occurring Nightmare
Words © 1992 by Marci Geller
Music © 1992 by Marci Geller, John Tabacco and Gian DiMauro
Published by It Iz What It Iz Music (SESAC) / Paisley Saucers Music (SESAC) / Slipcode Technology Music (SESAC)
Recorded at Back Pocket Studios, NYC - Engineered by Gerry Volkerz
Marci Geller : Lead Vocal
JT : Harmony
Gian DiMauro : B3
Jim Dexter : Guitar
Pat Adkins : Drums

It’s Curtains For You Taloola
Dialog © 1998 by Donna Marie
Performers: Father Flash, Donna Marie and Marci Geller
JT : FX

Hey Junior (What’s That Cloud that Hangs On You?)
Words and Music © 1996 by John Tabacco and Meryl Mathews
Published by It Iz What It Iz Music (SESAC) / Zackeroo Music (ASCAP)
Lead Vocal and Back ups : Donna Bach-Heitner
Guitar : Jim Dexter
Programming : JT (wah wah rhythm guitar)
Anthony Pomes (xeno solo)

Zip-Squat-Beep
Words © 2002 by John Tabacco
Music © 1994 by John Tabacco and Nick DiMauro
It Iz What It Iz Publishing (SESAC) / Nick DiMauro Music
JT : Programming
Nick DiMauro: Programming
Jim Dexter: Slide Guitar

Wacky Katrina Theme
Music © 2002 by John Tabacco
Published by It Iz What It Iz Music (SESAC)

A Tiny Bean Bag Baby
Words and Music © 1984 by John Tabacco
Published by It Iz What It Iz Music (SESAC)

Cheesy 40’s Spontaneous Raisin Shoe Realization
Music © 1995 by John Tabacco
Published by It Iz What It Iz Music (SESAC)
Dialogue © 1994 by John Tabacco and Nick DiMauro
Programming : JT
Drums: Pat Adkins and Brian Dunne

Getting All The Presents - © 1999 by John Tabacco
Published by It Iz What It Iz Music (SESAC)
Serious Loser Piano, Vocal : JT

MM Coughs Up A Small Farm Animal - © 2000 by John Tabacco and Meryl Mathews
It Iz What It Iz Publishing (SESAC) / Zackeroo Music (ASCAP)
Phone Message : Meryl Mathews
Music : JT

Buffalo Bags - Is attributed to: John Tabacco and Nick DiMauro
(An improvisation from - Across The USA In A Red Suburu™ 1986)

Catholicity Hokum
Words and Music © 2007 by John Tabacco
Published by It Iz What It Iz Music (SESAC)

Blame It On Christmas Day
Words and Music © 2007 by Gian DiMauro and John Tabacco
Gian DiMauro : Lead vocal, Programming, FX, Kazoo, Backups
JT: Acoustic Guitar, Bells, Back ups, Kazoo
Marci Geller : Back ups
Published by It Iz What It Iz Music (SESAC)) / Slipcode Technology Music (SESAC)

Slip Code’s 3rd Party Life Systems
Words and Music © 1998 by John Tabacco and Marci Geller
Published by It Iz What It Iz Music (SESAC) / Paisley Saucers Music (SESAC)
Xeno Participants :
Paul Michael Barkan : Slip Code Announcer
Marci Anne Geller : Fairy Tale Spokestress - © 1993 by Marci Geller
Nick DiMauro : Reproduction Spew
Dustin Scalfani : “Giant Tatoo”
Father Flash : As Himself
Victoria Berding : “A Little More Love Between Us” - © 1993 by John Tabacco and Donna Bach-Heitner
Published by It Iz What It Iz Music (SESAC) / Bachitome Music (ASCAP)

LT At 35 And Still No Piano - © 1998 by John Tabacco
Published by It Iz What It Iz Music (SESAC)
Programming by : JT

Don’t Underestimate The Little World - Words and Music © 1999 by John Tabacco
Published by It Iz What It Iz Music (SESAC)
Vocals and Programming : JT

Christmas And I Am Not Afraid
Words and Music © 1998 by Gian DiMauro and John Tabacco
Lead Vocal : Deborah Jones
Gian DiMauro : Programming, FX
JT: Roland Guitar
Back ups : Marci Geller, Deborah Jones
Published by It Iz What It Iz Music (SESAC) / Slipcode Technology Music (SESAC)

Daniel’s Sled
Words © 1998 by Anthony Pomes - Music © 1998 by John Tabacco
Reading : Anthony Pomes
JT : Holiday Programming
Published by It Iz What It Iz Music (SESAC) / Brave Town Music Inc. (ASCAP)

Phillup’s Xmas Gift To The Priest - © 1986 by John Tabacco
Published by It Iz What It Iz Music (SESAC)
Father Flash : As Himself
Monday #2 : Yorkie barking

Charlotte After The Chemo - © 2000 by John Tabacco
Published by It Iz What It Iz Music (SESAC)

Mastered by Bob Ball and John Tabacco sometimes using The SA3/ EXP9 Process

Cover Art © 1987 by Fred Zarr
All other designs © 2000 by Farben Fosfeen Art Werks

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about

John Tabacco Stony Brook, New York

John Tabacco is a composer, singer-songwriter, producer, recording engineer, and graphic artist.

Like an unfolding musical diary / puzzle, Tabacco’s music and art are constantly being re-worked, juxtaposed and intertwined.

For more info : www.johntabacco.net
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Track Name: Clam Radio Xmas Jingle 1
Father Flash (happily strolling into the church while singing a little tune) :

Ha, ha, ha... Christmas time! Lots of money and wine... Hey, what's with all these bright, shiny buttons? What's this one? Can't read what it says here. Let me see... With all these candles are out I can't see anything. It says, "Don't Push or else - your friend Phillup". Huh...

CLAM RADIO (Theme)

Comin' to ya from Long Island Sound
Where the hippest music can be found
Like a buried treasure underground
Clam Radio

On the ocean floor and having fun
Spinnin' tunes since 1961
Getting absolutely nothing done
Clam Radio

Air waves
Sound waves
From under the real waves
Clam Radio
Clam Radio
Clam Radio
Can ya dig it?
Track Name: Xmas Evening
XMAS EVENING

C Gm/E A7
I’ll be home for Xmas in the evening

Dm7 G9 C G+
I’ll be there to make the spirits bright

C Gm/E A7
I’ll be home for Christmas when you’re snoring

Dm7 G9 C C7
As sure as there are Xmas cards to write

F C
Xmas is forgiving for the days you never called

D7 G G+
For the moments your were nasty and on purpose made me fall

I’ll be home for Xmas in the evening
I’ll be home with sirens blazing loud
I’ll be there when you are least expecting
A midnight mass with G-Men in the crowd

F Abmajor7
I remember reasons why you made me cry

C C9
You were just jealous – You were spiteful so you stole my Nobel Prize

F Fm9
And all the God green money – that never came my way

D7 G13 G+
You lost it all to Madoff and some stupid deal on mayonnaise

C Gm/E A7
So I’ll be home for Xmas in the evening

Dm9 G13 Ab+/Bb A7
And rest assure my lawyers will be too.

Dm G9 Abmaj.7 Bbmaj.7 C/C#
So have a merry little Xmas – You are screwed!
Track Name: The Priest Wants A Hit!
The Priest Wants A Hit

The Priest:
Ok, Ok. We’re looking for something really snappy really commercial - ha hah!
Something really up for our lovely nun over here Sister Teresa Broccoli Spears.
I think I can land this girl a deal! Ok, you over there in the rubber shirt.
No. No. The one wearing the Queen Latifa spy watch.

Phillip:
It’s a beaut!

The Priest:
Yeah, yeah, it’s a beaut. Yeah I know that.

Phillip:
It’s a beaut!

The Priest:
Yes, I know that Phillip, shut up! Ha- Hah!
Ok. let’s see what you got. Pronto!
Track Name: Selected Prestonian Raynay
MY STYLE IS SELECTIVE

My style is selective when I pick up the mic and wreck it
Too many different styles from the Raynay can't test it
So keep the rhythm flowin' and movin' and jumpin' up top
'Cause I'm about to mother select style and go for mod
To try to test the Raynay you go through many phases
I got more numbers than the NYNEX Yellow pages
So check the index 'fore I show you what can go wrong
Got more power to pump, pump, pump than a sawed off etc...
Track Name: Let's Make The Water Turn Black
LET'S MAKE THE WATER TURN BLACK

Now believe me when I tell you that my song is really true
I want everyone to listen and believe
It's about some little people from a long time ago
And all the things the neighbors didn't know

Early in the morning
Daddy Dinky went to work
Selling lamps & chairs to San Ber'dino squares
And I still remember Mama with her apron & her pad
Feeding all the boys at Ed's Cafe!

Whizzing & pasting & pooting through the day
(Ronnie helping Kenny helping burn his poots away!)
And all the while on a shelf in the shed:
KENNY'S LITTLE CREATURES ON DISPLAY!

Ronnie saves his numies on a window in his room
(A marvel to be seen: dysentery green)
While Kenny & his buddies had a game out in the back:
LET'S MAKE THE WATER TURN BLACK

We see them after school in a world of their own
(To some it might seem creepy what they do...)
The neighbors on the right sat & watched them every night
(I bet you'd do the same if they was you)

Whizzing & pasting & pooting through the day
(Ronnie helping Kenny helping burn his poots away!)
And all the while on a shelf in the shed:
KENNY'S LITTLE CREATURES ON DISPLAY!

Now Ronnie's in Afghanistan and Kenny's smoking crack
Oh! How they yearn to be on Howard Stearn
But there's anthrax in the mail room of the media machine
Wait till the building is clean
Wait till the building is clean
WAIT TILL THE BUILDING IS CLEAN!
Track Name: The Autumn Of My Madness
THE AUTUMN OF MY MADNESS

In the autumn of my madness when my hair is turning grey
For the milk has finally curdled and I've nothing left to say
When all my thoughts are spoken (save my last departing birds)
Bring all my friends unto me and I'll strangle them with words

In the autumn of my madness which in coming won't be long
For the nights are now much darker and the daylight's not so strong
And the things which I believed in are no longer quite enough
For the knowing is much harder and the going's getting rough
Track Name: The Priest's Second Love
THE PRIEST'S SECOND LOVE

The Priest :

Of course some of you may already know that
sawing the violin is my second love next to my
highly anticipated collection of raisin shoes...
Track Name: Poor Phillup, Stupid Phillup
POOR PHILLUP, STUPID PHILLUP

I’ve been thinking like a torch mouse
Same kind Phillup likes to eat
I’ve been thinking of a light house
Same kind Phillup wants to meet

Poor Phillup - Stupid Phillup
He’s back in the closet again
Poor Phillup - Stupid Phillup
The bastard let those children go!

Now I’ve been thinking of a hell hole
Same kind Phillup doesn’t dream
And I’ve been thinking of a flag pole
The same kind that makes Phillup scream

Poor Phillup - Stupid Phillup
He’s back in the closet again
Poor Phillup - Stupid Phillup
If that bastard lets anymore children go
I’m going to kill him!

I’m going to take his little head off
I swear I’m going to take his little head off
Plug his little hole off
A - Men .....Men.......Men...

I got than a duophonic leg on this one!
Track Name: Lock And Load Sweet Baby Jesus
LOCK AND LOAD MY SWEET BABY JESUS

Lock and Load My Sweet Baby Jesus
Lock and Load I hope you hear my prayer
Lock and Load My Sweet Baby Jesus
Let’s make the terrorist pay for messin’ up my hair

Lock and Load My Sweet Baby Jesus
Lock and Load I hope you hear my prayer
Lock and Load My Sweet Baby Jesus
Let’s make the terrorist pay for messin’ up my flag

I know the Lord’s on our side
He comes to me in dreams
The bad guys over there he said are evil, dark machines
Their heathen ways were carved out from the devil’s rotten spleen
So shoot for the Lawd supreme
And let him sort’em out in between

Lock and Load My Sweet Baby Jesus
Lock and Load I hope you hear my prayer
Lock and Load My Sweet Baby Jesus
‘Cause there’s a terrorist hiding behind me everywhere
I swear now!

Lock and Load My Sweet Baby Jesus
Lock and Load I hope you hear my prayer (Christ!)
Lock and Load My Sweet Baby Jesus
There everywhere...
I tell ya they got children (children)...
Everywhere!

Ahh, give me half a dozen for the hotel room

(Midi Clot 4 and Nick DiMauro from 1986) :
Supersonic idiotic brain infected disinfected dumbbell
Double duly disconnected rubber belly super pipe!
Track Name: Don't Be Fooled People
Don't be fooled people
Don't be fooled
Da pee pee pee pee

Don't be fooled people
Don't be fooled
Da pee pee pee pee

Don't be fooled people
Don't be fooled
Da pee pee pee pee etc...
Track Name: The Priest's Out Of Body Alien Abduction
THE PRIEST'S O.B.A.A.

The Priest :
It got so the older I felt, the angrier I felt and the spicier the
foods I’d eat. My life was turning into a negative mass of
unforgiving emptiness and disappointments. Nothing was
good enough. Nothing. I couldn’t even get a good triangle
sound using these imported silk pillows. The automatic act of
breathing was beginning to annoy me. If I could just shut
down for a moment. Just a few nanoseconds. Just a pico
second! Just enough time to recalibrate my life. Anything!
Things could change. I know they could change. I’d be able
to see things from a different angel..... angle!!! Bark!
And then last Tuesday after mass I noticed a large multi -
colored glowing bar of soap in the change basket.
It was carved in the shape of a crucifix.

Female Alien :
Hello Baby!

The Priest :
And so I thought to myself, “Hey if you could eat this, maybe I
could clean the world up from the inside out. Ha- Hah! Or at
least that’s what mamma used to believe (the old shrew). So
as if possessed, I grabbed the f i x and forced it down my
throat. This was no host picnic either mind you. At first the
wretched taste made me vomit and the gaging was very,
very, very uncomfortable but soon, soon I found myself rising
out of my disfigured, diseased three dimensional body and
high atop that leaky steeple I never got around to tape. True,
I was feeling lighter in spirit. Almost heroic!

Female Alien :
Hello Darlin’

The Priest :
But this was certainly unexpected. I mean nothing biblical
here. More like a cosmic wine tasting contest. Suddenly a
door number two opens up and I’m sucked in and greeted by
what looked like a cross between Moses and a Praying
Mantis. I didn’t like it! But he kissed my ring and produced out of thin air
a Smokey Lee Webster robe with liquidy gold tassels
floating in all directions. A real beaut. Not a cat’s
whisker on it. “M i n t ”, as the alter boy Phillup would
bark. And then he said onto me in a rather low mysterious
voice “v o n j o s e ” “vonjose”. What? Go figure.
Well, I just took that as a sign. (I was always taking
things in the church anyway..so what the hell?) I soon
became the robe and suddenly I felt a little like
Charlton Heston wrapped up in a million Cleopatras.
Ohh, new commandments, new commandments! And
all of a sudden I’m dissolving into some sort of dusty
rubber basement with religious shading. You know,
red candles and what not. Surrounded by these smiley
Indian looking road cones. Really weird! They just
stared at me with a demented look slowly vibrating an
inch off the ground, emmanating a kind of acceptance
that was all at once foreign, yet committed to sweet
adultery. No. I didn’t mean that. I mean I could fall for
it. No, that’s not it. I mean I couldn’t fall for it. That was
it! I wouldn’t fall for it! This rest in peace stuff was just
too stifling for me. I couldn’t deal with it. Visions of
Sister Teresa naked.

Female Alien :
Hello Baby!

The Priest :
Miniature Egyptian settings made of woolen legos.
White clouds of Downy™ clothes detergent commercials
whooshing before me like a Lionel train set of
electric peppermint patty rosaries and then - and then
B L A M ! The paramedics arrived. Now I’m awake
again in this wretched old body dribbling some awful
blood pudding stuff. And I’ve got these tubes in my
veins and a little old lady in the next door keeps
screaming “let me out, let me out, let me out, let me
out!” And it’s driving me crazy! Would someone
please tell her to shut off. Turn her off! My god, turn
her off! That throbbing...ahhhhh! ..
Hey doc, I need to...wha, wha, what’s up??? How come
you’re not wearing any clothes? Hey, what’s with the...
Where’s Phillup? I need to change for my next sermon. I
gotta get outta here! Hah, wha? Hey..why are you staring at
me with those big black eyes? Good lord your skin smells!
Wait a minute, you only have three fingers. That means devils!
I don’t like the size of that needle ya pullin’ out. Hey, wait
a minute doc. Where’s Phillup? Where’s my Phillup? Ahhh! I
don’t like the size of that... Ouch!... OUCH! I’m getting
dreepy... The Synclavier™... Oh I’m getting slippy...
Oh, oh my.
Track Name: Re-Occurring Nightmare
RE-OCCURRING NIGHTMARE

Fighting with my pillow
Strangled by the sheets
Tangled by the thoughts of you
My story’s incomplete
I cling to the bed but I’ll never cling to you
I only left a small place in my life for you

You’ve become my re-occurring night mare
Wrapped around my heart so I can’t wake from you
You’ve become my re-occurring night mare
Wrapped around my heart so I can’t wake from you

Well now I think I’m drowning
My bed’s an ocean shore
Waves have cleansed my soul now
They’ll trace through every pour
Well, I’ve reached for the bottom
So far beneath my feet
I hold my breath just moments now until we meet

You’ve become my re-occurring night mare
Wrapped around my heart so I can’t wake from you
You’ve become my re-occurring night mare
Wrapped around my heart so I can’t wake from you

Well I’ve reached for the bottom
So far beneath my feet
I hold my breath just moments now until we meet

You’ve become my re-occurring night mare
Wrapped around my heart so I can’t wake from you
You’ve become my re-occurring night mare
Wrapped around my heart so I can’t wake from you

So I can’t wake - my heart
No I can’t wake - my heart
No I can’t wake from you!
Track Name: It's Curtains For You Taloola
Gino :
Open Taloola you two timin' hussey, it's curtains for you!

(Door opens. The gang quickly cases the joint.)

Gino :
Ay! Shut uppa ya face!

(Machine guns go off.)

Crowd ; Ahh! It's the Cannoli gang! Take cover!

Gino :
She's mine Rocco

Rocco :
No Gino! She's mine! Hey boss, let's do her together.

Taloola :
No Poopsie. Not me! I'm your little angle. Haven't I always... No, Wait!

Gino :
It's lights out Taloola

(More machine guns fire.)
Track Name: Hey Junior! (What's That Cloud That Hands On You?)
HEY JUNIOR (WHAT'S THAT CLOUD THAT HAGS ON YOU)

His eyes grow bright as the sun goes down
The calm before the storm
Even though I’ve been warned I’m still hangin’ around
There’s danger lurking in this town!

Hey Junior! (Hoo - Whoo)
What’s that cloud that hangs on you?
Hey Junior! (Hoo - Whoo)
What’s that cloud that hangs on you?

He speaks in code but our rhythms align
We played with fire too long
Signals scream - lights flashing
I’m tired and worn
Should run before my heart gets torn

Hey Junior! (Hoo - Whoo)
What’s that cloud that hangs on you?
Hey Junior! (Hoo - Whoo)
Who’s that crowd that does what you do?
Hey Junior! (Hoo - Whoo)
What’s that cloud that hangs on you?

Start - stop as we crawl through the night
I know you’re gonna pick another fight
Jam on the breaks and leave me alone
This time for real I know I’m headed home

Hey Junior
(as we crawl through the night)
Hey Junior
(I don't wanna fight)
Hey Junior
(got to leave me alone)
This time for real I know I’m headed home!

Hey Junior! (Hoo - Whoo)
What’s that cloud that hangs on you?
Hey Junior! (Hoo - Whoo)
Who’s that crowd that does what you do?
Hey Junior! (Hoo - Whoo)
What’s that cloud that hangs on you?
Hey Junior!
Track Name: Lost In The Fun House
LOST IN THE FUN HOUSE

You say you hate yourself
And you can’t stand living inside your own skin
You say it shuts you out, shuts you up, shuts you in
You curse the visions in the mirror causing all your shame
You curse yourself - you feed yourself - you insulate the pain
But you are not alone - reaching for life outside your grasp
No you are not alone - one by one we gotta shatter the glass

Or you’ll get lost lost lost in the fun house
Lost lost lost in the fun house
There’s no way out unless you do it
I promise you that you’ll live through it

You - you want to silence all the voices in your head
(They shout too loud)
You say you’ll talk about it - talk it over - talk it out
When all your muscles strain to move but fear turns feet to clay
And every crazy ride you take just keeps you stuck in place
But you are not alone - reaching for life outside your grasp
No you are not alone - one by one we gotta shatter the glass

Or you’ll get lost lost lost in the fun house
Lost lost lost in the fun house
Lost lost lost in the fun house
There’s no way out unless you do it
I promise you that you’ll live through it

Mirror after mirror every corner has another
Store window car window
Every shadow has a brother
Every shadow has a brother
But you are not alone
Reaching for life outside your grasp
No you are not alone
One by one we gotta shatter the glass

Or you’ll get lost lost lost in the fun house
Lost lost lost in the fun house
Lost lost lost in the fun house
There’s no way out unless you do it
Lost lost lost in the fun house
Lost lost lost in the fun house
Lost lost lost in the fun house
There’s no way out unless you do it
I promise you that you’ll live through it
Track Name: Zip-Squat-Beep
ZIP, SQUAT BEEP

Old man river
Old man river supreme
Old man shiver
I think you know what I mean
Get the blankets and crayons

Zip Squat Beep
Don’t make a discussion
Just get on the bus and take a seat
Zip Squat Beep
I’ll bring the itunes™
And later we’ll snag something to eat
Hold that thought for a minute
Hold that thought for a minute or two

Old girl Lucy
Old girl Lucy with fleas
Old girl Lucy (she’s 99 - she old)
I think you know what I mean
Take a collar and spray on

Zip Squat Beep
Don’t make a discussion
Just get on the bus and take a seat
Zip Squat Beep
I’ll bring the itunes™
And later we’ll snag something to eat

Old man river and Lucy
Old man river so sweet
Old man river and Lucy
Lucy find us some place quiet to sleep

Zip Squat Beep
Don’t make a discussion
Just get on the bus and take a seat
Zip Squat Beep
I’ll bring the itunes™
And later we’ll snag something to eat
Hold that thought for a minute
Hold that thought for a minute or two
Hold that thought for a minute
Hold that thought for a minute or two

Sun Zoom Spark ....
It goes any which way...
Don’t let it get away
Zip Squat Beep - ha ha ha....
Track Name: Wacky Catrina Theme / A Tiny Bean Bag Baby
A TINY BEANBAG BABY

The Priest :
Very nice Phillup. Now get back into the closet!

Jackie:
Umm - Cheeseburger?
Umm - Cheeseburger?

A tiny bean bag baby
Ain’t there somethin’ I should know?
A tiny bean bag baby
Can ya feel it in our toes?
A tiny little bean bag baby
Ain’t there something you can share?
A tiny bean bag lady
Can ya feel it in your hair?
Sleepy little bean bag baby
Ain’t there somethin’ for my nose?
A sleepy tiny little bean bag baby
I wanna, I wanna feel it in my toes
Where’s mother Sedatia?
(Probably sleeping)
Where’s motherless Ether?
(I’m creepin’ in the night)
Where’s motherless Ethyl?
(Bet she’s sleeping)
Where’s mother Sedatia?
(‘Cause I’m feeling pretty tight)
Ain’t there somethin’ I should know
She’s a propane beater
Never thought I need her like this, no!

He’s innocent - He’s innocent
I swear to God he’s innocent!
Track Name: MM Coughs Up A Small Farm Animal / Buffalo Bags
CHEESY SPONTANEOUS RAISIN SHOE REALIZATION

Father Flash : Pizza stich

KB : Put the bug in ya ear...

Phillup : Raisin bran slumber party people (laughs)

Father Flash : Oo... Raisin shoe. (laughs)
These are my little witch shoes...

Phillup : I, I was - I found these raisins in my shoe the other day and...

Father Flash : Phillup, I want to talk to you about something. Look if ya gonna... I've been noticing every morning I wake up... Every night I go to bed Phillup I put exactly five raisins in each shoe. I wake up sometimes there's seven or eight! What's going on? Who's manufacturing... What's going on with the spontaneous creation of raisins around here? (laughs)
How are they just turning up? How is it possible? How is it prob... That I have... How is it even probable? Yeah I... I, it's a horrifying thought to know there are more raisins than what I put in. You can't count on the numbers of raisins that you (I, I...) put in your shoe in the morning. And these corns! These...(laughs) I put glue on them. (laughs) I figured (the corns) I figured that, that if I had to at least walk (laughs)... I might as well walk among giants!

Eluog Trebor : Weese-ah rhythm is out. Is nah rhythm is out. Unn wah soonya walk. Errrrr...

Small NIck : (blowing his nose)

Small JT : Sir! Could you please blow your nose in another general direction?

Small NIck : Shut up!

JT : I guess the thing that upsets me the most is just a couple of seconds ago I was playing random things here on the piano and coming up with some really interesting ideas and also I was taking the time to tell you a little bit about my life. About Christmas. How it was so much fun because... got to get all the presents.

JT (singing "Miracles Happen") : Hooooo!


MERYL COUGHS UP A SMALL FARM ANIMAL

Meryl Mathews : (coughs) I'm just thinking off the top of my but sort of speak. Wait let me check (urrr), yeah, still there. And ah... I, I don't know. I'm home it's 10:15. I should be conscious till ... I don't know. (sings) "Till the cows come home." Man there must be a car outside with the motor running. It's wafting through my window.
(heavy cough)
Eueew gross! I coughed up a small farm animal. (coughs up something). Here, wanna a piece? Ummm, Oo, you would like this. Very, very nice. Good consistency. Good texture. Good color. Oh, yes you would like this a lot. Heh- Heh! Man, I've been slipping since they say Thanksgiving. Alright. Well... Could be all the wine. Could be all the drugs. You know when you inject the shit up... Anyway, ah so what was I saying? Alright, well you know call me or I'll call you or you know I'll be in work tomorrow although I'm not working because I'm only there for another week and God knows I'm widdling away the day. So if you call me there I can even you know, hang up and call ya back ah, and the number there is... I'm gonna keep telling you because you refuse to call it. In fact, you refuse to call that number so much that I bet when I get my new number...

Phone message runs out and the robot lady says : To hear this message again, press one. To save it press two. To erase...

Father Flash on the phone : Is this Cilla-Sigh-Been-Root?

Jay Allen : Hello?


Nick DiMauro : (laughing) Say that again.

JT (singing) : Buffalo bags!

ND : (laughs) That's very funny.

JT / ND (singing) : Buffalo bags! (laughs)

ND (signing) : I, (laughs) I don't need no air to breathe. I don't need no water to drink. I don't need no food to eat. As long as I've got my hand on a buffalo bag.

JT / ND : Buffalo BAGS!

Scotto : Ughhhhhhh!
Track Name: Breezy / Sawtayin' The Horse
BREEZY

Put the kids on the bus
Work a full day
Hurry home and make dinner for eight
Now I need some time for myself
And Breezy helps me wind down the day, yeah...
Breezy helps me wind down the day!

“Breezy a non prescriptive sedative for women.”


Radio : "Though your streets are paved with shadows and the light..."

Blues harmonica gets interjected...

Renda: My, my. Doesn't that horse look so good?

Duckbeard : Smells pretty good.

Renda : I've been havin' a - Well, I've been havin'...

Duckbeard : Yeah.

Renda : a hard time with it but it taste so good...

Duckbeard : Alright.

Renda : I, I really like it. Do you like it?

Duckbeard : I say serve it up.

Renda : Oh good. "Cause I spent about a half an hour trying to sauté it just right and puttin' the blueberry around it's eye and stuff.

Duckbeard : I like that blueberry around it's eye.

Renda : Yes, it tastes so good. Just like the way Mama u... well, not they way Mama use to make it...

Duckbeard : No, not the way Mama use to make it. That was whole other league.

Renda : She was out of control with that sort of thing but...

Duckbeard : She was! (Coughs)

Renda : I tried. I put the special sauce on the eye.

Duckbeard : BUT THAT'S HER!

Renda : I am not making fun of her!

ND + JD : Don't, don't. Don't take the horses!
Track Name: Blame It All On Christmas Day
BLAME IT ON CHRISTMAS DAY

Ahhh Eaaa Ahhh Eaaa Ahhh Eaaa Ahhh Eaaa

Auntie Sally, Uncle Joe,
Slippin’ on the Christmas snow
Breakin’ their necks and screamin’ thru the night...
If I told them once I told them twice,
“Our driveway’s full with lots of ice”
Did they listen to me? No!
Now we’re in for a legal fight!
All I wanna see are Christmas cookies
All I wanna see are Christmas toys...
All I wanna see are children sneakin’look-sees
And hear them makin’ too much Christmas noise!

What’s gonna happen next only heaven knows!
‘Cause this is sometimes how the holiday goes!
I’ll just blame it all on Christmas day!
Blame it all on Christmas day! Ahhh Eaaa

If I told him once I told him twice,
“Jimmy never make a ball outta ice!”
Did he listen to me? No! Kringle got it in the eye!
So Santa grabbed a two by four
and he chased Jimmy down to even the score
Now I gotta pick a fight with a bad ass Christmas guy!
Now all I wanna do are smash the Christmas cookies
All I wanna do are break some Christmas toys
All I wanna do are give some Christmas noogies
And give the kids a reason to make some Christmas noise!

What’s gonna happen next only heaven knows!
‘Cause this is sometimes how the holiday goes!
I’ll blame it all on Christmas day!
Just blame it all on Christmas day!
Blame it all on Christmas day! Ahhh Eaaa

Now the fruit got rotten in the Christmas stocking (YUCK!)..
The mistle-toe keeps falling on the floor...
The Christmas lights got mad and started shocking (AHHH!)
The egg nog’s bad and the cops are at the door!

What’s gonna happen next only heaven knows! -
‘Cause this is sometimes how the holiday goes!
I’ll blame it all on Christmas day!
Blame it all on Christmas day!

“Hey, why would you throw that?”
“Ow easy-easy - easy!”
“Watch your back.”
“C’mon, who threw the chocolate ball?”
“Put the cat down now!” (Meow!)
So, I’m gonna smash the Christmas cookies..
I’m gonna break the Christmas toys...
I’m gonna pound out Christmas noogies...
And give a big laugh when I hear the Christmas noise!

What’s gonna happen next only heaven knows!
‘Cause this is sometimes how the holiday goes!
They can blame it all on Christmas day!
They can blame it all on Christmas day!
Marci blame it all on Christmas day!
Jimmy blame it all on Christmas day!
Pauly blame it all on Christmas day!
Johnny blame it all on Christmas day!

Ahh Eaaa Ah Eaaa Ahh Eaaa Ahh Eaaa etc...
Track Name: Slip Code's Third Party Life System
Slipcode’s Third Party Life Systems
PMB:
Welcome to Slipcode’s third party life systems.
For the next available life (laughs)
I gotta get this out of my system, hold on...

MAG:
Once upon a time in a very far away place there lived a
very beautiful princess who was very, very sad.

ND:
Do you have information to reproduce, to reproduce,
to reproduce just about anything distributed in print?

Dustin Scalfani:
All I got was this giant tatoo, yeah!

Victoria Berding:
In this life there’s so much pain inflicted

Dustin Scalfani:
All I got was this giant tatoo, yeah!

Victoria Berding:
Closing the door won’t make the problems disappear.

The Priest:
I couldn’t deal with it. - I couldn’t deal with it.
Angel - Angle - Bark - Bark - Ouch - Ouch
I couldn’t deal with it. - I couldn’t deal with it.
Angel - Angle - Bark - Bark - Ouch - Ouch
I couldn’t deal with tubes in my vein and the little old
lady in the next door keeps screaming,
“Let me out, let me out, let me out, let me out!”
And it’s driving me crazy!
I couldn’t deal with it! - I couldn’t deal with it!
I didn’t mean that! I mean I could fall for it!
No, that’s not it. I mean I couldn’t fall for it.
That was it. I wouldn’t fall for it!

Overlaps:
Once upon a time in a very far away place there lived a
very beautiful princess who was very, very sad.
Do you have information to reproduce, to reproduce,
to reproduce just about anything distributed in print?
All I got was this giant tattoo, yeah!
I didn’t mean that! I mean, I could fall for it!
No, that’s not it. I mean I couldn’t fall for it.
In this life there’s so much pain inflicted...
That was it. I wouldn’t fall for it! I wouldn’t fall for it!

PMB:
Welcome to Slipcode’s third party life systems. For the
next available life please hold and a God like being will
be with you shortly. Thank you.

Victoria Berding:
...however, the more independent I got of your tracks
the more I realized that I just can not top your version
and I’m not going to even try.
Track Name: Don't Underestimate The Little World
DON'T UNDERESTIMATE THE LITTLE WORLD

Xmas - the year was 29
Found myself at mom’s grave in Walden’s Clover
While Wall Street was still mopping up the blood
My father got drunk and crashed his Rover
Downtrodden in doubts of dark and snow
Draped across the desert slopes of my mind
Old Caesar was choking on his bone
Rushed him down to "Helpful Holly Vets"
and hung with Sensitive Joan who said:

Don’t you underestimate - aww the little world
That keeps us grounded, keeps you straight
when all around’s a blur
Now don’t you underestimate - aww the little world
Somewhere inside you it’s calling.
Somewhere inside you...

Fast forward to a time when I am old
All my heroes now gone by life’s erosion
Decisions by the silicon farmer’s son
Keeps me in line with their illusions
While kingpins of “off switch” have their way
Trashing sacred laws and buying up tombs
Depressing as it seems on Xmas day
I got Caesar in my memory along with Sensitive Joan sayin’...

Don’t you underestimate - aww the little world
That keeps us grounded - keeps us straight
when all around’s a blur
Now don’t you underestimate - aww the little world
Somewhere inside us
Don’t you underestimate - aww the little world
That keeps us grounded - keeps us straight
when all around’s a blur
Now don’t you underestimate - aww the little world!
Somewhere inside us it’s calling
Somewhere inside us it’s calling

Now don’t you underestimate
what we all have inside from square one
We forget it now and then
but when we need to have a friend
It picks us up and clears the path
and lets us start again so...

Don’t you underestimate - aww the little world
That keeps us grounded - keeps us straight
when all around’s a blur
Now don’t you underestimate - aww the little world
Somewhere inside us
Don’t you underestimate - aww the little world

That keeps us grounded - keeps you straight
when all around’s a blur
Now don’t you underestimate aww the little world
Somewhere inside us it’s calling
Somewhere inside you it’s calling
And somehow it guides us
Track Name: Christmas And I Am Not Afraid
XMAS AND I AM NOT AFRAID

“Bout 30 years ago I was a happy child from a happy home
Now the grey has come, the lines are here I guess it’s part of being grown

There’s just no way of knowing
Where my life is going

(But it’s) Christmas and I am not afraid...
It’s Christmas and I am not afraid...

Each falling snow flake brings me back to all the Christmas’ gone past
I remember thniking that the joy and love they brought would always last

But the snow keeps blowing
There’s no way of knowing
Where my life is going
But the fire is glowing

(But it’s) Christmas and I am not afraid...
It’s Christmas and I am not afraid...

Pretty gifts with pretty bows are here for me but not to keep
Now the twilight of my life begins to beckon me to sleep

And the snow keeps blowing
There’s no way of knowing
Where my life is going
But the fire is glowing

(‘Cause it’s) Christmas and I am not afraid...
It’s Christmas and I am not afraid...
Track Name: Daniel's Sled
DANIEL'S SLED

When Daniel was five years old he was given a sled for Christmas. It was a
bright and shiny red with stripes painted on the sides and fancy loops. His
parents had killed an old man the night before in the super mall parking lot
for that very sled. Before bashing his head in with a tire iron Daniel’s father
heard the old man mutter something about his grandson being disappointed if Santa didn’t bring that sled. Daniel’s father just laughed it off as he smashed away the old man’s face and with it memories of happy holiday seasons when one could buy a sled without getting killed.

Daniel was so excited about the new sled that he promptly got into his winter clothes on Christmas morning and ran for the front door. Stepping on the sleeping dog now suffering arthritis and blind in his one remaining eye. What did Daniel care? It was Christmas and he had a sled! Now it was time for some sledding.

In Daniel’s neighborhood sledding was half snowy frolic and half guerrilla
warfare. This morning’s children were in a particularly violent mood. He
came upon the McPherson twins who had cornered little Senny
Moscowise. Senny lay face down in a snow bank turning deep pink from
his brain hemorrhage. The McPhearson boys were taking apart his brains
with a hammer, working like two men on an assembly line. Senny was still
alive though. His left leg still kicking back and forth lazily making an angel
in the snow. The leg stopped moving however when one of the
McPhearsons cut it off with a sharp edge of a snow shovel, hacking at it
like it were kindling and singing a holiday carol at the top of his lungs. Then there were the Quintins quintuplets, who had taken off little Henrietta’shead with their hands and were now placing it on top of a snowman trunk. Daniel took a look around and was so glad it was Christmas. He went to the top of a hill near the grammar school and got ready to ride his sled. Just then he saw a vision in the sky. It was a peaceful looking man in flowing robes with eyes of blue and a great bushy beard. He extended his hand to Daniel. An offer of giving. Daniel made a big snowball and threw it at the apparition in the sky, cursing and spitting like the vermin he was into the air. From the north he saw what looked like a huge slay being pulled by eight tiny reindeer. Why? It was Santa Claus blazing across the sky with a shit load of toys in tow. Daniel shrieked like a banshee at seeing his savior. In a fit of excitement he jumped on his sled and push himself down the hill. Faster and faster he flew down the hillside always looking up at the great man racing into the fast, receding horizon. Daniel only had time to see the large chunk of a tree for a second or two - then... Smashed head. Gnarled trunk. Fur tree. Mingled blood. Bright red. Destroyed sled. Santa and reindeer descended into their volcano lair. And Daniel lay dying in the winter sun. The McPhearson’s and their hammers fast approaching from the snowy meadow...
Track Name: Phillup's Xmas Present For The Priest
PHILUP'S XMAS PRESENT FOR THE PRIEST

The Priest:
Jingle jobs, jingle jobs, jingle all the way.
Sister Teresa... Heh hay! Christmas
time. Lots of money and wine!
Hey, what’s this?
(looks a poorly wrapped gift)
Happy Christmas from... what’s - Phillup.
Phillup! Sonofabitch bought me...
Got me a gift. What’s it say here?
“Don’t open until December 25th”...
Screw that!
(wrestles with the wrapping tearing it apart)
Two days away. I’ll find out what it is.
(alien digital feedback sound)
What the hell was that?
( l a u g h s - w h e e z e s )
Some type of cassette.
“Silent night for the Priest”.
Phillup! That’s lovely.
Sonofabithch. Let’s check this out.
(fumbles with the cassette case)
Pop it in. I said pop it in! They never
wanna fit in sideways for some reason.
Let me see. Review. No. No. Play.
Here it is. Push.
(cacophony plays )
Very nice. Very interesting.
(stops the cassette machine)
Very nice Phillup! Very nice. It’s much -
it’s much, much too close to the original
though. You could get sued for that!
Stupid boy.
Track Name: Mondo Fridge Eh Pane
MONDO FRIDGE EH PANE

Mondo fridge eh pane laid in escrow
Sabatore deems it more amore
Cheese defanny plays it like a yo yo
In milkweed sandal tease, as I incubate and freeze my nuts off
Track Name: Catholicity Hokum
CATHOLICITY HOKUM

That cross
Those wafers
The man in black
The one I know you know

That cross
Those candles
The booth in back
You feel compelled to go

Spilling all your guilt
All your secret woes
To the shadow behind the sliding wooden window hole
Who never has a good enough reason for why
To him you’re just a dollar like the next sinful guy
But somehow you feel better
when he tells you to recite a prayer
Like some scribble under grandma’s table!

Father flash, I’m hurtin’
The fear is back
The one I hope you know
Father Flash, I’m certain
The fear is back
The one beyond the door
I come to you bearing all my soul
I come to you hoping you would know
The reason that I feel so damn empty inside
The reason I just wanna take a powder and hide
The reason I no longer feel compelled just to ride the wave
Could you throw me just a bone of compassion?

The Priest :

Yes. Ok. I understand. Just say three hail Marys
and make a nice big offering to the church (a money
order is acceptable) and the Lord will shine his light
on your heathen ways. And all will be forgiven my
son. I promise you. Now get outta here.and stop
asking questions. You’re making me late for bingo!