E Phant

by John Tabacco

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1.
SINUS CYST AND WISDOM TOOTH PROBLEM I’ve got a sinus cyst It’s something I can’t resist It hurts my teeth - it hurts my nose I cannot breathe And I’ve got a headache 24/7 Got a headache 24/7 I’ve got a sinus cyst And to make things worse I’ve got a wisdom tooth that’s pissed underneath it And it gives me such a headache 24/7 I’ve got a headache I got some x-rays and a biopsy They ruled out cancer and other malignancies When will they treat me? Been eight long months! When will they treat me? For now I have a tiny tube going up into my gum I’m feeling existential and my mouth is dry and numb In a few months they’ll need to cut deeper into my cheek Scrape out the cyst – yank out the tooth and there’s another cyst on my right side that needs to be addressed and you know what?: I’m so tired of waking up and wanting to pull my head off! So let’s do it! I just wanna breathe Wanna breathe I’m bankin on Medicaid – bankin’ on Medicaid to pay for this – to remove this cyst… Why? Because I’m a poor musician. That’s why. And I can’t afford health insurance. Dental surgeon: “A Dubious career choice my boy.”
2.
DIVIDE BY WEDNESDAY / WHEN THE FIREMAN SQUIRTS JT : So there are these three patients in a - maybe a psychiatric ward. Doctor says to the three patients, "Look, gonna ask you a question." "If you can answer the question I'll let you go." Jim Dexter : (laughs) JT : Right there it's kind of funny. JD : Yeah... JT : So he asks the first patient, he goes, "What's 8 times 5?" And the person says, "139." And the doctor looks at him and says, "Humm - not really - no." JD : (laughs) JT : Asks the second patient, "What's 8 times 5?" The guy says, "Wednesday!" JD : (laughs) JT : Doctor says, "Nope, not yet - not yet for you." Asks the third patient, "What's 8 times 5?" "40!" Doctor goes, "Wow, that's, that's good." "You did that fast." Ha, how did you do that?" He says, "Well, I divided 139 by Wednesday." JD : (laughs) When the fireman squirts from limb to limb ah When the fireman squirts from limb to limb ah Everybody gets busted When the fireman squirts from limb to limb ah When the fireman squirts from limb to limb ah Everybody gets busted Everybody gets rusted but him When the fireman squirts from limb to limb ah When the fireman squirts from limb to limb ah Everybody gets busted When the fireman squirts from limb to limb ah When the fireman squirts from limb to limb ah Everybody gets busted Everybody gets rusted but him Everybody gets rusted Everybody gets rusted Everybody gets rusted When the fireman squirts from limb to limb ah When the fireman squirts from limb to limb ah Everybody get's busted Everybody get's rusted but him!
3.
THE BANSURI WALTZ & OBSERVATION The birds are out tweeting "sun"! It's been cold for months at a time... No earth it's been covered in snow! Frozen below But now it seems the wind has died We can feel the heat The heat as it touches ground Not good news for worms though They'll tunnel up no longer stuck Making for a tasty little meal It's a brutal life... Oh well, tough Nature's a bitch There's no prejudice when it comes to keeping cycles The fix is from within As tight as your own skin All the numbers add up perfectly I never used to question it But now, But now it makes me think... Who's in charge? Maybe all this is is an "X-Box" game And we're little SIMS running in a brain Birds will tweet and worms they'll eat until this brain burns out! Rick Cashman : Just keep kicking dirt into the hole and stop spittin'!
4.
Blackbird 03:08
5.
CALAMINE LOTION LOTTERY BOOGIE Margret Inthrax: Today I accidentally won the calamine lotion lottery. You are inducing melanoma shingles. Negative on the hot tuna substitutes this time you schmuck. Tommy Agee and Mothra's little fairies. Tommy Agee. Ed McMahon in a jar : Hooo! Margret Inthrax: Please squirt me with some of that swizzle diet fluoride rat infested calamine soda. You know the kind. And please stop calling me Jesus. Give it a break!
6.
Customized 03:41
CUSTOMIZED Everywhere I turn I see that things are all the same It's a wonder anyone can even know my name That's when I realize your love is customized Yes customized Customized Talking heads are everywhere filling us with greed Salesmen on the telephone with things I'll never need But your word is optimized Your love is customized Yes customized Customized When you made the stars above you Called them all by name But a man will sell his soul for just a ray of fame They need to realize Your love is customized Yes customized Customized Satisfied and your lovin’ Is where I wanna be No compromises here - Just love Sanctified and your love is always in supply It's the only thing that makes sense to me When you made the stars above you Called them all by name Now I look around and see that things are not the same That’s ‘cause I realize Your love is customized Yes customized Customized Your love is customized Yeah, customized
7.
Dear Lost And Found I am interested in starving at your hotel. I will be in the vicinity of your fine lodging facility next week around 6:47 PM, due to a dental lawsuit. Would it be too much of an imposition to have access to one of your utility closets where I can set up shop for three days? I am willing to pay you what you normally charge for a one bedroom suite. Naturally, I will bring my own servo chains along with a parochial thermos of Ajax cleanser to remove any unwanted blood stains that may occur during the self flagellation process. Since I will not be needing room service can you deduct that from my bill? I can use it as a tax write off. I look forward to starving at your hotel as I do somewhere once a year. It purifies the soul and flattens the worm as they say in Hungry, Budapest. Kindest regards, Vanessa Veena Stratomb JT : Starving at your Hotel Starving there tonight If not I’ll try the Motel A block before the light Starving at your hotel Starving there tonight Let me have a closet Lock me up real tight Don't wanna have a bite of your food!
8.
E PHANT Flanged JT: Everybody looks like Ralph, there’s nothing we can do about it. Imaginary Howard Berger: Go-‘head Jones… Blobdark Flanged JT: Everybody looks like Ralph, there’s nothing we can do about it. Everybody looks like Ralph, there’s nothing we can do. Imaginary Howard Berger: Go-‘head Jones… Blobdark - Go-‘head Jones… Blobdark Godfather Anthony: Do me a favor… The Brighton Beat plays "Swinging From The Rafters": Nick DiMauro : We’re… Scotto Savitt : We’re… Dennis Massa : We’re… Meryl Mathews : We’re… JT (to Meryl) : Figures you’d sing that. ND: Don’t gimme me dat marijuana, Don’t gimme me dat marijuana crack - crack Don’t gimme me dat marijuana, Don’t gimme me dat marijuana Filipino Don’t gimme me dat marijuana, Don’t gimme me dat marijuana crack - crack Don’t gimme me dat marijuana, Don’t gimme me dat marijuana JT: Filipino ND: Filipino MM : Filipino… Filipino ND: Don’t gimme me dat marijuana, Don’t gimme me dat marijuana crack - crack Don’t gimme me dat marijuana, Don’t gimme me dat marijuana Filipino Don’t gimme me dat marijuana, Don’t gimme me dat marijuana crack - crack Don’t gimme me dat marijuana, Don’t gimme me dat marijuana Filipino Dennis: Once upon a time there were three Filipinos... ND: Sounds good in the headphones. Mick Richards sings : Well, everybody’s going’ viral Everybody’s gonna be a star Everybody’s going’ viral The world will see you as you are I said everybody’s going’ viral Everybody’s gonna be a star Everybody’s going’ viral The world will see you as you are But don’t feel alone I’m your biggest fan I’ll be watching you every night as long as I can pay my electric bill You’ll be in my sights tonight So do me a favor shed a little skin for my imagination That’s my secret place That’s my secret place Trish Amendola : Bizz, stizz, stizz, stizz, Pop! Pop! We all saw stars.. Flanged JT: There’s nothing we can do about it. Imaginary Howard Berger: Go-‘head Jones… Blobdark Flanged JT: Everybody looks like Ralph, there’s nothing we can do about it. Everybody looks like Ralph, there’s nothing we can do… Imaginary Howard Berger: Go-‘head Jones… Blobdark Flanged JT: Everybody looks like Ralph, there’s nothing we can do about it. Everybody looks like Ralph, there’s nothing we can do… Imaginary Howard Berger: Go-‘head Jones… Blobdark Ahhh! “New World Robo Jungle” excerpt (lowered in pitch): ND: So what do you guys think? Ya think they’re buying this? Jim Dexter: Humm I don’t know. JT : Who cares? X: Ahhh! Vic Caroleo : Ya gotta hear this guy. He’s outta the box. Or he’s in the box. Or he’s got no box. JT improvised lyrics: I tried to compromise but you don’t care I know that you don’t wanna love me anymore I tried to sympathize but it’s not fair You only see your side and then you shut the door Eat me! Teach me! Show me all the ways of hatred that you know! Oh no Oh no! Benjamin Aretha Franklin : Although the E Phant was once a cherished animal of the state, political correctness fell upon it one cold judicial date And thus, no longer allowed to have the vote Our E Phant friend took back his coat and moved away Back to the shadows where all the extinct bill of rights go to cry Like a needle through a rich man’s eye E Phant E Phant Goodbye “FM” string arrangement descending chords… Akai instrumental “5 Prong Clit” plays here… Tere Orlando : Your lips should be buzzing Your lips should be buzzing buzzing Your lips should be buzzing Your lips should be buzzing Your lips should be buzzing Your lips should be buzzing Flanged JT: Everybody looks like Ralph, there’s nothing we can do about it. Trial Amendola : His hand is a piece of dead meat that I swear glows a “glowy” color and hums every now and then. Live Big Band version of “Space In My Heart” plays here.. Imaginary Howard Berger: Go-‘head Jones… Blobdark KG & KB : Gangsta gun shot skit plays in right channel. Flanged JT: Everybody looks like Ralph, there’s nothing we can do about it. Everybody looks like Ralph, there’s nothing we can do. “Swinging From The Rafters” performed by The Brighton Beat continues to play… Flanged JT: Everybody looks like Ralph, there’s nothing we can do about it. Everybody looks like Ralph, there’s nothing we can do. ND: I’m Ginger! From HELL! MM : Gargling - Awww ND : Alright here we go… MM : Gargling - Awww ND : Aww, Frenzy MM / ND : Gargling sounds… MM: Filipino… Imaginary Howard Berger: Blobdark JT : Improvised vocals, Meryl Mathews: Improvised keyboard, Todd Turkish: Drums - 1994, NYC JT : I swear it was an accident. An accident I swear. I swear it was an accident. It was an accident I swear! She just wanted me to have some rough sex with her and her head came off. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know who to call. I got really nervous. Well, it got so scary I had to go get some… Go to 7-Eleven to buy some bags and, and clean up the mess and then I figured I would put her across a- ya know where the buses are. And no one would find out. I was nervous. I didn’t know what to do. I figured though… You know I figured if they’re gonna catch me, I mean you know I might as well a - you know have some fun because you know, it’s too obvious that I ya slipped when I ya - It’s really horrible. I didn’t mean to do it. I was insane at the time. At the time I was insane. I didn’t really know what I was doing. I was thinking well maybe if you know I could just quiet her down just a little bit. Just quiet her down just a little bit. But it just didn’t happen. In fact, I went a little too far and ah well, she’s not making much noise any more. And I’m really sorry. I’m really sorry. Maybe I… maybe I could do some community work or something and you know - I don’t know. Anything. Anything I can do to help out the community. ‘Cause I made a bad mistake. I really screwed up bad. And ah, I know that won’t bring her back but ah you know if I can do some community work - community work! Again community work… And they sentenced you to seventy years! “Hagglefret” (improvised instrumental by Teddy Kumpel, Bob Stander, Saul Zonona and JT) plays here: Godfather Anthony: Do me a favor. Talk into the bag. Jimmy Ravioli: Into the bag! Godfather Anthony: The microphone won’t pick us up and then they can’t read our lips Jimmy Ravioli: Oh got it! Got it! JT singing: For once the clouds reflect the ground The cheating sun is gone Familiar hands rest by your side They twist to this strange song Jimmy Ravioli: Into the bag! A re-mix of the mirage keyboard solo from “I Don’t Need Heaven At All” plays here… Sri : Hey, how’s it going? I haven’t seen you in this neck of the cube farm in a - in a dog’s year. Pat: Yeah, I know. The boss has been keeping me busy organizing the Bogle Lunch Box committee files. Sri : Ugh, so time consuming. Pat: Yeah, no joy. So what are you up to? Sri: Well, Bradley Thunderbird Phoenix asked me to write a radio play for his Montage Radio Theatre group and the dead line is in an hour and I’m just fishing for ideas. Pat: Bummer. Well, good luck with that. Gotta go… Clam Radio theme plays here: Bradley Arrington: Hey, everybody - this Bradley Thunderbird Phoenix from Montage Radio Theatre. And you’re listening to Clam Radio with John Tabacco and Susan DeVita. Imaginary Howard Berger: Go-‘head Jones… Bradley Arrington : Ooo… Imaginary Howard Berger: Blobdark. Outro to an unreleased Marci Geller / John Tabacco song, “Blue Dot” plays here: Flanged JT: Everybody looks like Ralph, there’s nothing we can do about it. Trish Amendola : Sugar is the Devil! Flanged JT: There’s nothing we can do.
9.
DRUM SOLA en ODDIFAX Chris Magri & JT singing in JT's St. James bedroom in 1981 : Stamp a gypsy moth! Stamp a gypsy moth! Stamp a gypsy moth! Stamp. Them. Out! JT and Cathy Tabacco in her Stony Brook art room in 2008 : JT : What is it you are doing exactly? CT : I'm making something for Christmas for you. JT : For me? CT : Yeah, I'm finishing your - your drum set. Tabacco drum solo plays here followed by an amazing guitar solo by Chris Pati from the song "Blvd. Of Broken Dreams" Recorded at Modern Voices Recording Studios, Centerport, NY © 1991 by Chris Pati, Nick DiMauro, John Tabacco and Ro Caplado JT & Nick DiMauro in a rented car, outside QVC in Chester, PA in 1994 : JT (parodying Danny Wilson's "Steam Trains To The Milky Way") : "Brother you had best believe that your puke can drag you down... ND : Stain a couch. JT : Puke can stain a couch. I know 'cause we puked on my aunt's couch once. All of us. Our entire family. Ah-er, in one full swoop we all puked on her couch. ND : Fell swoop. Heh-heh. JT : In one full circle of amendments ND : It's fell. Fell swoop. JT : One fell swoop, me, mom, sis... ND : Georgette. JT : And Ragtime our little - our little... ND : Schinitzendoodle. JT : Our little um... ND : Schinitzenhauser dog. JT : Ah, ha, our little hemophiliac... ND : Ah - hah, puppy. JT : Puppy. Spit up on my aunt's couch during Christmas. ND : We had to have it put to sleep. JT : They put the couch to sleep very quickly. ND : You know... JT : Can never get that stain out of there. It's, It's brown. Burned a hole of acid... ND : It's ground. JT : Burned a hole right through the foam. The foam was peed on a long time ago. ND : Shit, we got a two o'clock... JT : Yeah.
10.
11.
PLAYING JACKS IN THE NEW HOUSE The most interesting aspect about our new house was the florescent purple and green triangular door that hid inconspicuously behind the “Squirt & Dry” in the basement. Dad told us of his surprise and slight suspicion the day he and mom scrutinized the basement framework. The real estate lady quickly booted them away from this part of the house assuring them that the Swedish built home was as solid as quote un-quote “chrome slippers” ( a phrase I heard Dad cry out in his sleep over a two month period). Within a week, we were settled in, soaking up the Christmas rays. Mom was spicing up her old style fluffy Duraflame turkey sausages. Dad was carving up his famous holiday soap pipes. Our little yorkie, was chomping on his leather rawhide buffalo, his eyes rolled back in ecstasy, while the sweet muffled holiday sounds of “Itchygoomy” wafted from behind the thin fiberglass curtains. Renda and I were playing a relaxing game of jacks, this time in a spacious basement, floored in speckled black and white shiny tiles. I was in the lead (finally) getting ready to throw the final toss when all of a sudden I choked “gack!” on a Swedish gummy bear. The jack ball went flying hairy canary, almost hitting Renda in the teeth. It ricocheted off the furnace - off the dirty fish tank - off the Henry The Eighth Ladro - smack off the framed signed picture of Pope John Paul (cracked it) before rolling to a complete stop. Weirdly cool. Then as if by magic, the ball slowly levitated an inch off the ground, made an about face and got sucked under the “Squirt & Dry” like the Roadrunner on rocket fuel. Renda and I looked at each other in amazement - eyes a goggle. Then like over zealous chirping eggs we quickly scrambled upstairs to get Dad. Jeez, this was the championship game and neither of us could suppress the fever for victory. We had to get that ball back! With his massive forearms wrapped around the “Squirt & Dry” Dad wriggled the machine away from the wall delicately ripping apart the complicated spider grids of purple and green. “Strange”, we heard him say. “There’s some kind of triangular door behind here with a rubber handle!” Not giving too much thought of the consequences, he gave a big tug on the handle with his one good Navy hand. “Bizzzzzzz zizzzzzzztzatttttttttttttttttttttttattttttizzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzpopppppppattt!!!” We all saw stars. Dad’s hair lit up like a 4th of July sparkler on steroids and he let out a ghastly yell (it’s still ringing in my ear). Mom came flying down the stairs and tripped on the jacks, plummeting foot first into Renda’s private area. A thick brownish, silly cloud covered the room. Sausage everywhere - what a nightmare! Somehow, I managed to locate the princess phone and dialed for an ambulance. Everything is fine now. The doctors think Renda might still be able to bear kids and we both got a 20% discount on our prescription glasses. The lenses are as thick as the bottom of a coke bottle but at least they won’t break if they fall off during one of our marathon jacks tournaments. And mom can almost get out of bed by herself with her new knee replacements although the pain is sometime so excruciating it makes her faint. As for Dad, well he’s up to the letter “T” now! Unfortunately, his hand is a piece of dead meat that I swear glows a “glowy” color and hums every now and then. Meanwhile, the Department of Homeland Security is investigating the real estate firm who sold us the house. And they say our temporary relocation to Plum Island will be a pleasant one with plenty of room for more jacks! Whatever is behind that purple and green triangular door may always remain a mystery to us. But one thing is for sure - it ain’t nice.

about

An EP of quirky songs / instrumentals / story telling, topped off with a subconscious audio montage with more clues as to what the hell is going on in my life. What else could you ask for?

credits

released July 4, 2016

JT : Vocals, Guitar, Drums, Programming
Jim Dexter : Dialog from a Stony Brook University hospital bed
Patricia Amendolia : Lead Vocal on "Customized", Voice on "Playing Jacks In The New House"
Joe Gioglio: Electric Guitar on "Customized"
Rick Cashman : Voice on "The Bansuri Waltz and Observation

Recorded and Mixed at Suburban Hermit Studios II, Stony Brook, NY by Tabacco

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John Tabacco Stony Brook, New York

John Tabacco is a composer, singer-songwriter, producer, recording engineer, and visual artist.

Like an unfolding musical diary / puzzle, Tabacco’s music and art are constantly being re-worked, juxtaposed and intertwined.

For more info : www.johntabacco.net
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