As the air balloon soared high above the city, it was clear that the weather was taking a turn for the worse. The sky was dark and ominous, and the wind was picking up. Thunder rumbled in the distance, and the air was thick with the smell of rotten bananas.
Inside the balloon, two punk rockers laughed maniacally as they looked at the man they had kidnapped - none other than Paul Simon, taped to a chair, helpless and confused. They had always wanted to get their hands on a music legend, and now they had one.
But their celebration was short-lived when they suddenly heard a loud, muffled, growling noise coming from inside a canvas pouch strapped to the side of the basket. Looking over, dumbfounded, they were horrified to see a wild honey badger clawing it’s way out and staring back at them, its eyes blazing with fury.
The badger had somehow found its way into the air balloon pouch after escaping the Los Angeles Zoo. The stoned enthusiasm of the two kidnappers woke it up. It was clear that it was not happy about being trapped with two humans and a helpless Paul Simon. The two punk rockers tried to keep the badger at bay, but it was clear that they were no match for its ferocity.
As the storm raged on, lightning flashed in the sky, illuminating the terrified faces of the kidnappers and their victim. The badger continued to growl, and the smell of rotten bananas and ozone mixed with the scent of fear.
Suddenly, the balloon was hit by a strong gust of wind, and the basket started to swing wildly. The badger seized its chance, lunging at the punk rockers and attacking them with a vengeance.
Amidst the chaos, Paul Simon managed to break free from his restraints, and he scrambled towards the edge of the basket. The wind still blowing hard, he knew that he had to act fast.
With all his strength, he hoisted one of the punk rockers out of the basket and into the storm. The other punk rocker, now injured from the honey badger's attack, was no match for Paul's strength, and he too was hoisted out and over.
Meanwhile, the honey badger fully satisfied with a piece of the punk rocker’s leg it was able to chew off gave Paul a menacing stare; his growling growing louder by the second. Paul looked the badger in the eye and quietly sang his folksy lullaby “St. Judy’s Comet”. The badger calmed down to the soothing sound of Paul’s slightly trembling voice. It licked it’s bloody lips and closed it’s beady little eyes. As the song ended, the wind died down. The dark clouds began to part. For some reason, Paul thought of a Willy Mays baseball card he had as a child. The image of which brought a tear and a smile to his face. His song “Night Game” played over and over in his mind.
Suddenly, a deafening pop blasted out as a small remnant of an meteorite pierced through the top of the balloon canvas. The hissing of escaping air whistled with the highest of pitch. Again the basket jerked aggressively back and forth as it plummeted toward the forest below. The badger slid from side to side - confused and scared, it’s claws leaving scrape marks everywhere. Paul held tight to one corner, his muscles cramping up. In what seemed like a flash the balloon crashed into a tall redwood tree impaling itself on some pointedly sharp branches, the impact of which tossed the badger out of the basket. Paul still holding on for dear life, dripping with sweat, breathed a sigh of relief. As the blood finally made it’s way back to his hands he tried to make heads or tails of the situation.
Slowly coming to his senses he managed to scope out which branches would more than likely help him descend to the ground. Fearfully and carefully he climbed out - the unstable creaking of the branches making Paul’s heartbeat race faster and faster! After a half hour his feet finally touched soil. About a meter away he could see the badger groaning in pain - it’s bones broken. There wasn’t anything Paul could do. So he wisely walked away dazed but free. He looked up at the now clear blue sky and began whistling a twisted version of his tune “Soft Parachutes” all the while wondering what kind of “Garfunkled” up world he had stumbled into. A world where a wild honey badger, the smell of rotten bananas, and punk rockers could all be found in an air balloon, high above a movie back lot forest somewhere in Southern California. Huh.
credits
from Artificial Tales Of Gleep and Whimsy (Vol. 1),
released November 1, 2023
JT: FX, Whistling and Mix
Voice: Bella A.I.
Recorded and Mixed at Suburban Hermit Studios III, Ronkonkoma. NY
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