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Time To Put Out That Cigar

from Artificial Tales Of Gleep and Whimsy (Vol. 1) by John Tabacco

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© 2023 by John Tabacco
Published by It Iz What It Iz Music (SESAC)

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TIME TO PUT OUT THAT CIGAR

By the wild and twisted cosmos, buckle up, my freakish compadres, for a tale that'll make your brain do somersaults in zero gravity. We're diving headfirst into the undefined mayhem of an omniscient being holed up on a tiny pebble called Jupiter Moon. And this being, let's call it “God” for simplicity's sake, is bored out of its celestial mind, stuck in the middle of nowhere. Population: One.

So, in its infinite wisdom, or perhaps out of sheer loneliness, God decides to play a little game. It decides to create infinite factions, hidden away within itself, like some ever evolving Russian nesting doll. One of these factions gets the dubious honor of being dubbed “Humans”, and they set up shop on a little blue, white, and green atom called Earth. Quite an unattractive name, if you ask me.
Now, here's where it gets interesting. These humans, fueled by their own cocktail of external confusion, ego and arrogance, formed smaller subgroups and started doing some seriously nasty stuff to each other. And get this, they claimed it was all in the name of this bored-out-of-its-mind, all-knowing God. They even picked a dry and barren wasteland, called it sacred ground, and decided to stage most of their barbaric theatrics there. I mean, what's wrong with a nice beach? But hey, humans will be humans.

Unfortunately, things took a weird turn. These Earthlings, due to some cosmic misinterpretations and what seemed like mystical coincidences, started believing that God was their divine best friend forever. They thought the Lord was there to protect and guide them to a promised land, where they'd eternally party and have sexy angels serving them the creamiest of ice cream without any calorie concerns. Seriously, who could blame them? Sounds like a pretty sweet deal.
Turns out, all this chaos and wall wailing commotion these humans are stirring up is like nails on a cosmic chalkboard for God. It's got this being's holy knickers in a twist. Thus, it was determined, perhaps divinely, from a celestial vantage point, that a direct and impartial visitation to this minuscule atom in the cosmic vastness was imperative.

Now, you can imagine these humans weren't too thrilled about God's indifference to their well-defined doctrines of right and wrong. They'd spent centuries crafting those, refining them like a fine breed of dog. Naturally, they began to doubt this God of theirs. I mean, what kind of all-knowing, all-loving being leaves their own children high and dry, without answers, payback, or, most egregious of all, sans ice cream delivered by alluring angels? That's enough to make a camel fart in the eye of a needle.... The Earthlings were quick to label God as a phony! And wouldn't you know it, this omniscient being now soaked in the very essence of their skepticism and suspicion, which, mind you, it cooked up in the first place, decides to snuff out its colossal Cuban cigar (previously lit from their sun) right where all this Earthly hubbub is brewing.
Turns out, deserts make for mighty fine ashtrays.

"No more fuss," God thought to itself in all it’s existential pomposity. "Maybe I should create a new kind of earth creature, one that will live in rainbow harmony. And for Christ's sake won't complain"!
"How about a sentient cannoli, filled with strawberry truffle ice cream and Dr. Scholl's Odor Eaters for angel wings?"

"Yeah, that’s the ticket!”

"Abra kadabra...allaka zip!"

“It’s done.”...

And just like that, Paisans, the cosmic cannoli angels were born...
In the ever-bizarre carnival of existence, such fickle absurdity is just another day at the races.

credits

from Artificial Tales Of Gleep and Whimsy (Vol. 1), released November 1, 2023
Mario Lasagne : Voice
Garcia Gudalupe Hose?: The Voice Of God
Recorded and Mixed at Suburban Hermit Studios III, Ronkonkoma, NY

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John Tabacco Stony Brook, New York

John Tabacco is a composer, singer-songwriter, producer, recording engineer, and visual artist.

Like an unfolding musical diary / puzzle, Tabacco’s music and art are constantly being re-worked, juxtaposed and intertwined.

For more info : www.johntabacco.net ... more

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